Before I left for Italy each night I would lay in my bed cross my arms over my chest and cross my feet. In this corpse position I would sleep the night through. Once in Italy and since my return, I toss and turn, lay on my side, wake up multiple times and rarely just rest. Was my life here dead before I left and I am finally returning to life? I think constantly while I am trying to sleep now about my dreams and ambitions and how to achieve them. Something has been awakened. I recently read a quote from Joy Harjo who followed her dreams while her family shook their heads in disgust, "It you do not answer the noise and urgency of your gifts they will turn on you. Or drag you down with their immense sadness at being abandoned." Those abandoned dreams of mine have been dragging me down with their sadness.
I do not want to set that example for my children. I want my children to be intense pursuers of their dreams. I want to be the type of Mom who doesn't squelch anything they put out there. But in order for me to do this I must pursue my own dreams with the same earnestness I will expect from their teenage and adult selves.
A close friend recently told me that he could see I had found my passion while in Italy. Up until that point I didn't know I had lost it. I am passionate about so many things on a daily basis but upon further examination I think he is right. I had lost focus on my passion. As Danielle Harris says in her blog, Oregon Pilgrim, we as a society are overwhelmed by having to make so many decisions that we forget to focus on our goals. She goes on to say that a character in a story makes decisions in order to get what they want. Therefore, if I am editing my life in order to achieve a goal I have to make decisions to get there.
That may have been where my passion has gotten lost, in the decision making. In going to Italy alone I made a very definite decision. I said to myself, if my goal is to go to Italy I can no longer wait for the perfect person to go with. I knew I had to just go.
My goal while in Italy besides site seeing was to study farming practices and hopefully bring those back to the states where I had planned on setting up my own organic self-sufficient farm where I would teach others. However, once I was in Italy my thoughts suddenly changed to what if I owned a farm here? The suggestion first came up when my friend Bernadette said, "I think you are going to buy a farm in Italy." I had the usual reaction of, "ya right." But it feels as if Italy is pulling me back and now I have to make some important decisions.
The first decision I have to make is saying yes to Italy. The more I think about it the more logical it really sounds. At first we would only spend part of the summer there and of course I would have to hire a caretaker. I am not at a point right now where I feel as if I can say no. I asked my Mom the other day what she had believed I would be doing at this point in my life. "I thought you would be living in China as a reporter, " she quickly responded. "I always wondered why you wanted to go to China and not somewhere else, " she continued. Obviously my dreams have evolved and been shaped by my life experiences and China did not happen but the key to what she said was she never expected me to be state-side. She said she was surprised I hadn't fully followed my dreams. Now as an adult raising two boys my dream is a farm in Italy. What is the next step?
I need to make a plan for how I will achieve that goal. Obviously there are many obstacles. I currently have some savings but not enough. The first goal will be to build up that savings. I have already been prepared for this by going to a Dave Ramsey class. I know I can get there.
I have my boys to consider. In a few years I would love to participate in a teacher exchange program. Maybe I will be able to find a teacher in Italy to take my place for the year. I could take my boys for that year and give them an experience that will mold and shape their lives. This would give me plenty of time to look for a farm, if I haven't bought one by then.
My job is a gift that I love. Considering leaving it any time in the near future seems crazy. The life I have in Oregon is a blessed life and fulfilling at times but it often leaves me passionless and bedraggled. The place I am currently renting has seemed to be pivotal in my lack of passion and feeling unsettled. Should I move somewhere that would be more inspiring within my area? It is always a possibility. I know when I had my own chunk of land with a large piece of dirt to concentrate on in the summer I felt a lot less restless and significantly more passionate. But the benefit of the place I rent is the price which will allow me to save faster for that dream farm in Italy.
I will say yes to Italy! I will not continue to live my life without striving towards my dream and hopefully that will translate into inspiring my children to follow their dreams. Bring on the obstacles I am ready to face them head on. After all a life without dreams is not a life at all it's a routine.
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