Not everyone in the world is built the same when it comes to their capacity to love. Some people can love one person at a time. Some will only love their family. Others will love their friends and their family. Some love on a very surface level and others love deeply. These categories of love, like all things in life are what sets us apart. They are what shape the human race and make life worth living.
I have finally accepted that I have been gifted with a deeper capacity for love than others. This greater capacity to love has meant something in my life. It has meant I have had to suffer heartbreak and pain at the cost of loving too many people. But it has also shaped my life into the beautiful gift it is today. I had to go through a divorce because I was meant to love many and spread that love to show the depth with which people can love. I was meant to adopt my children because my love works different than other people's. I have had many friends tell me they hoped I would someday be able to experience having a baby of my own because it would be different, but they are wrong about me. I know what my love is like. Blood is of little significance to me. I love my boys deeply and I loved them from the moment I had a piece of paper in my hand with their names on it. I love them in a way that other mothers love their children but even with this deeper appreciation for who they truly are.
I love my friends this way as well. My friends are my family. I would sacrifice anything for them. My family I would go through hell for if I was asked. My children sometimes put me through hell but I still love them deeply. If someone dropped a child on my doorstep tomorrow I would take them in and love them just as deeply as Max and Nikolai. I liken my love to the adoptive mom of Moses who could not let that baby go without care even though it was clearly a Jewish baby. But I don't just love my family and my close friends.
My students, whether they know it or not, also get a measure of my love. I don't write referrals and if I have disciplined a student I often don't remember what happened the next day. I am the same way with my kids. Forgiveness comes fast when you have a great capacity to love. In each of my students I see their beauty and uniqueness. I often tell them I don't want to see a carbon cutout. I relish the differences. I relish the differences in everyone.
In my home, in my school life, in my friendships, I love. If I have dated you, I have likely loved you in some measure. There is rarely a man that I cannot see the good in. Sometimes they don't want me to see the good. Sometimes they build walls around their hearts and souls but I manage to get through. I was built to share this kind of love. We are not all built this way but I was and now I accept it. I am no longer hurt by loving in this manner. I pray myself through some of it just to protect my wounds.
I am also no longer scared to express my love. Life is to short to leave words unsaid. Unfortunately, I sometimes lack the courage to say it in person. So if I have said it in a text message, or email or letter know that I meant to say to you in person.
I don't expect others to understand my love. We are all meant to love in our own way. I have had some incredible moments in life though where others did completely understand my kind of love and in those I dwell.
If you are in my life you can expect to be loved. In that love I will show you what we are meant to be in life to others.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Dreams I have Dared to Dream
To sip a coffee while standing in a bar,
Walk a cobblestone street with beautifully constructed Italian shoes,
Dance like no one is watching while everyone is watching
Love passionately, abundantly with fervor
Though these things are simple they are the things of which I dream.
I have dared to dream many dreams in my life and been laughed at by those who are not daydreamers. There are people in this world who when they were children they became discouraged by dreaming and soon forgot how to do it altogether. I have never lost that ability. I still daydream on a daily basis but more than that I dare to dream of what my life will bring and how it will be changed. My daydreams are intricate mazes tied to the current details of my life only the details how I would like them to become.
To walk arm in arm with a man,
Who while walking with me, lifts me above what I could be on my own,
To take my children around the world not just in my stories but also in person,
To show them what reckless abandonment of selfishness led me to scoop them into my arms,
And have them understand and want to replicate it.
I am not afraid of change but rather embrace it. I have never been great at keeping things the same. I have a gypsy soul much like my grandmother, who could only show hers by wearing clothes and jewelry no one else would dare. Neither of us like to keep our feet on the ground but much prefer our head in the clouds. Both of us have been tossed by the harsh waves of life against many a rock that tried to drown us but both managed to keep our heads above water. Gypsies, they wander about, they daydream, they sing. They do not want the carbon copy life of a capitalist society or one of the communist model either. They prefer, or should I say we prefer, to live life on our own terms. We have faith and it is deep but others don't always recognize it.
To smile that secret smile across a room at someone who knows but then again doesn't,
To climb a high mountain and shout from the top,
To listen to a concert where my son is the star,
And sail on a boat to a far off isle.
Recently I have embraced speaking a new language. It is difficult and challenging. But my gypsy soul longs to speak another language because in that I can begin to live out that dream of mine to live on a farm in Italy. I wonder if that would be too much of a settled life for this gypsy soul of mine but I think not because I would make sure I could leave often enough to make it bearable. I am sure that would not be my only job as well. Of course, the challenges of having a self-sustaining farm with all the things I dream to grow would be a full-time job.
Grapes hanging on the vine in the warm sun,
Olives dangling from the tree,
Fruit trees with their temptations of apricot, apple and blood oranges,
Beds filled with zucchini, tomatoes, basil, oregano,
Rosemary hedges lining a walkway mixed with the smell of lavender,
A patio to sit and indulge the senses and sip a warm cup of tea.
I look forward to all the visitors in my life and the stories they tell. I look forward to retelling their stories as well. We will share our adventures because we are dreamers. Only dreamers would make the journey to my far away farm. And only another dreamer would share it with me.
My at home dreams for now are simpler; hike all the trails I have not hiked yet in my area, conquer new skills such as rock climbing, travel as much as my budget will allow to as far away as I can and share glasses of wine with family and friends and appreciate every second I have with them. And of course, I wish to share love with each person in my life in the unique way that shows their unique role in my life. And last of all to keep on dreaming.
Walk a cobblestone street with beautifully constructed Italian shoes,
Dance like no one is watching while everyone is watching
Love passionately, abundantly with fervor
Though these things are simple they are the things of which I dream.
I have dared to dream many dreams in my life and been laughed at by those who are not daydreamers. There are people in this world who when they were children they became discouraged by dreaming and soon forgot how to do it altogether. I have never lost that ability. I still daydream on a daily basis but more than that I dare to dream of what my life will bring and how it will be changed. My daydreams are intricate mazes tied to the current details of my life only the details how I would like them to become.
To walk arm in arm with a man,
Who while walking with me, lifts me above what I could be on my own,
To take my children around the world not just in my stories but also in person,
To show them what reckless abandonment of selfishness led me to scoop them into my arms,
And have them understand and want to replicate it.
I am not afraid of change but rather embrace it. I have never been great at keeping things the same. I have a gypsy soul much like my grandmother, who could only show hers by wearing clothes and jewelry no one else would dare. Neither of us like to keep our feet on the ground but much prefer our head in the clouds. Both of us have been tossed by the harsh waves of life against many a rock that tried to drown us but both managed to keep our heads above water. Gypsies, they wander about, they daydream, they sing. They do not want the carbon copy life of a capitalist society or one of the communist model either. They prefer, or should I say we prefer, to live life on our own terms. We have faith and it is deep but others don't always recognize it.
To smile that secret smile across a room at someone who knows but then again doesn't,
To climb a high mountain and shout from the top,
To listen to a concert where my son is the star,
And sail on a boat to a far off isle.
Recently I have embraced speaking a new language. It is difficult and challenging. But my gypsy soul longs to speak another language because in that I can begin to live out that dream of mine to live on a farm in Italy. I wonder if that would be too much of a settled life for this gypsy soul of mine but I think not because I would make sure I could leave often enough to make it bearable. I am sure that would not be my only job as well. Of course, the challenges of having a self-sustaining farm with all the things I dream to grow would be a full-time job.
Grapes hanging on the vine in the warm sun,
Olives dangling from the tree,
Fruit trees with their temptations of apricot, apple and blood oranges,
Beds filled with zucchini, tomatoes, basil, oregano,
Rosemary hedges lining a walkway mixed with the smell of lavender,
A patio to sit and indulge the senses and sip a warm cup of tea.
I look forward to all the visitors in my life and the stories they tell. I look forward to retelling their stories as well. We will share our adventures because we are dreamers. Only dreamers would make the journey to my far away farm. And only another dreamer would share it with me.
My at home dreams for now are simpler; hike all the trails I have not hiked yet in my area, conquer new skills such as rock climbing, travel as much as my budget will allow to as far away as I can and share glasses of wine with family and friends and appreciate every second I have with them. And of course, I wish to share love with each person in my life in the unique way that shows their unique role in my life. And last of all to keep on dreaming.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Where are you loved the best?
I have taken to telling my boys that "I am where you are loved the best." It is a saying from "Where the Wild Things Are." It is interesting because their responses are varied. Sometimes they will challenge me and say God is where they are loved the best and then I have to say, "On this earth, I am where you are loved the best." I have been saying this because I have seen their souls becoming more wounded each day by what the world throws at them. People say hurtful things, they are forced to conform to the world's ideas about who they are and should be. I am reminded how my own mother and father were the place I was loved the best. And really even still they are my rocks in the rivers of life.
I am that non-conformist river. Man wants to tame the rivers and so we study them and build dams and try to control the uncontrollable. I have sometimes in life built my own dams but over the last three years I have been trying to break down those dams. I built those dams because the world wanted me to do so. Conform to this rule, look this way, do these things; in the world it is a never-ending deluge of shoulds. I should look different as a Mom according to the world but here I am as me and I know my boys are secure and well-taken care of and most of all protected. We don't have all the things the rest of the world has and says we "need". We have some things but what we do have is love.
I love to go and jump on the trampoline with my boys and send them high in the sky. I love the feeling in my throat when they shoot me so high I lose my breath. I am that Mom. I am the Mom that reads to my kids. I teach them to dance. We hike and bike and play basketball. I say sorry when I have been overly harsh. I defend them at school when they are being victimized by a system that wants to make them into work-a-holic robots. I cry in front of them when they hurt my feelings and make them wrestle with how to make it up to Mom. I send them messages that go on and on about how great they are. I feed them with love everyday. I hope that when they leave me they have been well-fed enough that it will sustain them throughout their lives. But most of all I hope they remember that I am where they are loved the best. I hope they will return to me when they need to be loved the best and fed. My two strong-willed children and their strong-willed Mom will always be okay in this world that tries to rub our edginess off because we are loved by each other and because those of us that are strong-willed do not let the world tell us where we should be loved the best. We know that place because we listen to our hearts.
So where are you loved the best? Where do you get the food of love?
I am that non-conformist river. Man wants to tame the rivers and so we study them and build dams and try to control the uncontrollable. I have sometimes in life built my own dams but over the last three years I have been trying to break down those dams. I built those dams because the world wanted me to do so. Conform to this rule, look this way, do these things; in the world it is a never-ending deluge of shoulds. I should look different as a Mom according to the world but here I am as me and I know my boys are secure and well-taken care of and most of all protected. We don't have all the things the rest of the world has and says we "need". We have some things but what we do have is love.
I love to go and jump on the trampoline with my boys and send them high in the sky. I love the feeling in my throat when they shoot me so high I lose my breath. I am that Mom. I am the Mom that reads to my kids. I teach them to dance. We hike and bike and play basketball. I say sorry when I have been overly harsh. I defend them at school when they are being victimized by a system that wants to make them into work-a-holic robots. I cry in front of them when they hurt my feelings and make them wrestle with how to make it up to Mom. I send them messages that go on and on about how great they are. I feed them with love everyday. I hope that when they leave me they have been well-fed enough that it will sustain them throughout their lives. But most of all I hope they remember that I am where they are loved the best. I hope they will return to me when they need to be loved the best and fed. My two strong-willed children and their strong-willed Mom will always be okay in this world that tries to rub our edginess off because we are loved by each other and because those of us that are strong-willed do not let the world tell us where we should be loved the best. We know that place because we listen to our hearts.
So where are you loved the best? Where do you get the food of love?
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